An Open Letter to Brett Favre

Hey Brett,

I just wanted to drop a line and say thanks.

See, I'm a Bears fan...so I've hated you for, like, forever. While all broadcasters, sports fans, women, children, babies, small woodland creatures, and foreign dignitaries described your presence on this earth as exhilirating to the point that a return trip by the messiah would seem pedestrian by comparison, I've been boiling a big, smelly, festering pot of hate for you. Oh, I've felt guilty about it, as all "true fans of the game" are supposed to worship at the alter of your "passion for the game." I never bought it. Adrift in a sea of cheeseheads, beset on all sides by the number 4 (a digit I now hate so much that I refuse to play Connect 4, would fist-fight Mr. Fantastic or the Invisible Woman, and will teach my children to count 1, 2, 3, 5, 6), I refused to buy in to the hype.

Not only did I question the inappropriate amount of praise for your on-field performance (you did throw the most interceptions by a quarterback in history, easily cost your team as many games as you won them, often floundered in the postseason, and set a consecutive game record with the assistance of a perscription drug addiction...which I only mention because I'm guessing perkosetting yourself into oblivion is one way to "play through pain" as you are always lauded for doing), but I had this feeling like you weren't "an abassador of the game," who "just wanted to play for the right reasons," and "put your team above yourself." I just never had proof.

Then things turned around, just as my beloved Bears dovetailed into oblivion and I feared I was in for another Green Bay Super Bowl appearance, you did it again. Tossing an interception in overtime to lose a bid to the Super Bowl was just the best present you could have given me...right until you retired. I was elated that, although I would be subjected to weeks of sports radio and television anchors fighting over who could best polish your knob, it would all finally be over soon. But Brett, oh Brett, you had so much more to give me.

When the rumors of your wanting to play again came back, they were amusing but expected. Texting the owner was funny, and obviously pursuing the return while saying publicly that they were "just rumors" was equally amusing. But the coup de gras was so sweet, I'm still coming down from a sugar high. You do an interview, on Fox News no less (apparently the Enquirer and Reader's Digest were busy) with Greta Van Sustren (again, Nancy Grace must have had previous engagements) where you proceed to expose yourself as the glory-seeking, selfish, whiny, obnoxious douchebag that I had always hoped in my heart of hearts that you were.

For awhile, I thought I was making the whole thing up, that you really were a "team guy" who "embodied the game," no matter how much I hated it. Thank you so, so much for proving that my initial douchebaggery theory was correct. First you contend that you were bullied into retiring early. Oh, poor Brett, not given the luxury of leaving a professional sports franchise with a chance to win a championship in flux while you take some vacation time and enjoy the media frenzy around whether or not you're coming back. How could they do this to you? I mean, sure there's like 60 other players who have to move forward, but they can wait for you, right? You're Brett friggin' Farve! Douchebag score - 2

Then you demand, not to play for the Packers - your team to which you are so loyal, who has waited through 3 years of your "no, I quit...no, I stay...no, I quit" mambo, who you supposedly "put above yourself" - you demand an unconditional release. Not a trade, but a release. Which won't help your team at all, will turn your legacy with that franchise into something painful for the fans who have watched your drug-addled consecutive start streak while pledging their undying love for you. I mean, this actually made me feel sorry for Packer fans...PACKER FANS. Douchebag score - 5

Then came the big tamale, the final, juicy ego turd you could lay. You torch the whole village, blasting the owners for not signing Randy Moss and certain lineman and throw the current coach under the bus, asserting that they should have gone with Steve Marruci, who is such a hot property he is still not coaching in the NFL. Wow...just...wow. This soap opera you seem to be enjoying that orbits around you is only ruining the minds, moods, and preparations of the Packers and their fans...so thanks for that, too. Douchebag score - 10.

Again, thank you for finally making those years of baseless accusations hold merit. I didn't think I'd ever see the day that I would have evidence that could support my unbearable hatred of you...I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,
Ryan